The Holidays are approaching fast, and here we are again facing them with 4 extra precious girls. I have been pretty emotional the last two days. I think it is the gravity of the whole situation. We have had them now well over a year with no end in sight. There are so many emotions involved in this. How would we ever say goodbye to them? But how would I sustain this forever? The guilt that follows in crippling. Also, thinking about how to do Christmas for everyone this year is putting me under. It's a story problem.
We are leaving next week to go to St George to spend Thanksgiving with the Anderson side of our family. We will be leaving the girls for about 5 days. I feel bad leaving them, but if we take them we have to take two cars and its about 12 hours. I am feeling like Drew and my own family is really needing that time to reconnect. It has been about 5 years since we have had Thanksgiving as a family due to Sage and McKennas missions. I need to be able to be present and feel how awesome that will be.
I feel like fostering has changed my personality a bit. I am not as excited about things and I need more alone time than ever. That has never been me. I think I am on emotional overload and exhaustion. I feel like it is impossible to stretch myself between the needs of 8 kids and a husband, job, friends, dogs, and do any of it semi well. I hope that what we are doing as a family with these girls is the right thing to be doing and that it will have long term GOOD effects on all of us.
SAGE-
Sage is working with Nate and he is getting college paid for from the company. He is pulling all A's. Its awesome, especially because school was harder for him with his dyslexia. He has been dating Kiliya for about a year. He is trying to decide if he wants to stay with her or breakup. He wants to have the church be a big part of her life, and thats not where she is at. He is at a crossroads. It is so fun to see his relationship with Drew. Nothing changes it. They have always been best friends, and I think it will stay that way. I love him and how deep he feels about things. He has the best ideas and I can't wait to see him have a family of his own. He will be the best dad. I have no doubt. He is pretty busy so I definitely don't see him as much as I wish I could, even though he lives at home
MCKENNA-
McKenna came home from her 18 month mission and it is so nice having her home. She is helping me nanny now that Aspen is gone. Aspen and her traded places. I had a brief state of panic when she got home when I realized that Aspen and I learned the tips and tricks with the girls over the course of a year. How was I going to teach that all to McKenna? But I realized quickly how capable and awesome McKenna would be. I went to Israel for a week for a wedding for my bosses and Kenna babysat the girls and did a perfect job. She has some healing to due from her mission and the stresses it caused on her. It was a hard 18 months and she suffered a lot. It is so wonderful to have her home, but this is where I feel I noticed I am numb. It is from the trauma I had to hear about with the girls, the walls I've put up to protect myself, or is it burn out? I only have McKenna home until January and I need to be able to create a lot of special memories with her before she heads off to college at BYU-I. She is just the sweetest soul and I crave her presence.
ASPEN-
It is crazy to look back at how much everyone has gone through. Aspen was my nanny for a year and she was in the thick of it with me. She has now started her first semester in college. I miss her so much. She is thriving and it makes me so happy. She has so many friends. She is taking chemistry, the most failed class and doing great. She is taking a lot of credit hours. She has become the most beautiful person inside and out. She is so capable, brave, intelligent, capable, and just stellar. I can't wait to see her life unfold. She has been my right hand girl and our relationship has deepened so much over the last year.
DREW-
Drew is in 8th grade and is definitely a teenager. But he did say the other day "Mom can you give me more hugs everyday and tell me nice things about myself?" I love that he wants to be close to me and everyone in the family. He will still cuddle and hold my hand. He is a little spicer than my other kids were at this age but he is a good kid. He played fall competitive soccer and both of us hated the time commitment. Everyone loves Drew. I hear it from all of my friends and anywhere I go. He just is always consistent and he doesn't have highs or lows. He is easy and people just love him. He is handsome and I think quite a few girls at school have crushes on him. He told one cute girl in our ward he didn't want to date her (hilarious, its 8th grade) and she cried in the bathroom for an hour. We all love our Drew. He loves drinks, food, and is really into his cloths and wanting a cool room. The girls have been the hardest on him. He keeps telling me he is done. Then the next second he is calling for biddy. He helps me a TON with the girls every morning. He helps get them ready for school, getting them in the car, and buckled. I think he is burnt out but will miss them when they are gone. I hope hope hope he looks back and doesn't tell me someday that I ruined his life. I hope that this has taught him valuable lessons and that he will be grateful.
We have had so much change this last year with college, missions, fostering, the wedding of my neighbor to my mother-in-law and its just all crazy. I hope I have done the right thing with fostering. I don't know how long we will have the girls. They ask me daily if I will adopt them. It breaks my heart. I just feel pulled in all the ways.
This year Nate and I went to Italy, I went to Israel, Mexico, Palm Springs, Vegas, camping, Telluride, and I am just so so blessed by all the traveling I have experienced in a year. I get to go to Malibu in December and St George next week. I think my new obsession is traveling. I think its also what God has blessed me with to get through this last year of impossibleness.
Here are some highlights of this year....
